New blog again

Old followers please check out my new blog http://fadingsecret125.blogspot.co.uk

New me = New Blog

I've finally decided to really try this recovery thing my new blog is HERE if anyone wants to follow.

Lots of Love

FadingSecret

Xx

30th September

Well... guess i haven't posted for a while, alot has been going through my head...

I'm sick.... sick of counting, monitoring and failing miserable. I have realised my eating habits have effected who i am, well infact I've lost who i am. What am I just a number, 135.3lbs??? I decided I don't wana be a number, I wana be a person with a name and a personailty and hopes and dreams. I'm sick of pushing my boyfriend away, I need him, he is my support network, why would i want to push him away, I love him dearly. I think I just need someone to shake me and make me realise no-one is perfect, I'm not overweight I'm average, and its fine to be average. Dieting is not a way of life, its stupidity.(Sorry don't mean to offend anyone here.) I'm just ranting to get my head sorted. I don't think I'm going to continue with this blog or my other blog on thoughts, it's not healthy and its encouraging my eating disorder, and that doesn't need to be encouraged in anyway. I'm going to do this. I'm supose to eat 1700 to maintain my current weight, its just so difficult to eat that amount! I'm barely eating 1200 atm, But at least I'm trying, thats what matters right???

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

17th August

Weigh In: 137.7lbs

I got down to 136.9lbs the other day I was so happy, it was unbelieveable. BUT, me and my BF had a huge arguement and I ate and ate and then purged, and continued this cycle till I couldn't purge/eat anymore. I used laxs last night, I don't think my body reacts to them anymore :( no BM :'(

Today is 800cal day

B: 35g porridge and 100g skim milk
L: 91g cooked pearl barley and 65g tuna in brine
S: options hot choc
D: a medium jacket potatoe with skin(!!!) and 100g salad and 20g light butter
S: 200g skim milk
TOTAL 771cals

I'm going away to Disney Land Paris(BTW I'm 21, but i'll act like I'm 10 LOL) on Monday with the BF's family and I really must be down to 135-134lbs at least. I'm guna go swimming every day while I'm on holiday, I <3 swimming. and go on rides all day long, and walk everywhere, I'm guna make my BF walk with me, he said he would come swimming too. I'm guna try and get away with breakfast and dinner and thats it. I'm really worrying about it, but it will be fine, fingers crossed.

Lv FadingSecret

Xx

P.S. how much do you think snow white would weight if she was real, and what her measurements would be

10th August

Weigh In: 139.2lbs

I'm fasting today, first one since January, it's going okay so far, felt a bit shaky, my body is not used to not having breakfast. It was throwing a temper tantrum. Lol.

There's this guy at work taht I really hate, he's new and he is so arrogant, make me want to kill him. I hate being a sales representative, all the guys are such pricks! I haven't been there that long, so might move and change jobs, only for more money tho.Lol.

I'm a bit worried, I agreed with my ana buddy that I would fast with her on thursday, but my mother wants to come over for dinner, i cant just serve up fresh air on a plate garnished with a bit of imaginary parsley! I really dont know what to do, I never normally have to hide things, just avoid, but i cant avoid this one,help????

Plus I have a thinspo crush on Rachel McAdams this week :)

 

Lv FadingSecret

Xx

29th July

Weigh In 142.9

Totays Intake was/will be:
Breakfast: Same as yesterday(I have the same every day) 132cals
Lunch: 110g reduced salt/sugar baked beans 77cals, 15g light dairylea 22cals, 1 bite of choc cake 20cals
Snack: options hot choc 40cals
Dinner: 4 egg white omlette 63cals, 5 one cal spray 5cals, 1 beef tomato 22cals
Pudding: 3 mikado milk choc sticks 33cals
Snack options hot choc 40cals

TOTAL 454 calories (36g protein 32%)

Lv FadingSecret
Xx

Our family was all tightly knit, my brother was born when I was six, I didn’t really understand why it was happening, and how I was supposed to be happy about having a brother. I lied. ‘Of course it will be great to have a little brother.’ I knew in the pit of my stomach it was not going to be great. My mother and father seemed happy, but what was happiness. This was the year my unhappiness began. When my brother Curtis was born in April 1995, I was being carted between family members and family friends. My mother and her son where the most important thing. This was organised, not a mistake, unlike me. There was happy pictures, baby albums, a place for him to sleep. It was all organised, unlike me. I was in the way. He was dressed up in outfits that were brought. I was never allowed new things. I suppose I felt second best, I know my parents didn’t feel that, I used to be a stroppy little girl and scream and shout ‘you don’t love me’ at my parents. It must’ve been difficult to love me through the years.